So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
