Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
