Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
