The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
