Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
