U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
