Can i not drive my cunt home
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
