dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
