Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize