I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
