oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just want nice things and good sex
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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