I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
