as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
