You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
