I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
