I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
