I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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