Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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