Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Need sex. Gaining weight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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