I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
