I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
