all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
