Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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