I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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