when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
