Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
