Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
