I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
