her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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