I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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