Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
