I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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