this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
