Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
