Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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