i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
