oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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