I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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