Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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