Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
