My friends, they love my intelligence
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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