Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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