eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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