the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Drake has all the answers
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
