so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
