when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
