I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
