A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
