she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
