Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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